“I did not like this feeling of having feelings.” ― Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter

One of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do is demonstrating the real me. I hate to feel vulnerable, out of control and feeling rejected. I have had my parents constantly reject me and my sisters do the same. Currently my two loves: my niece and nephew have also joined the band wagon on rejection.

This rejection from the core family has caused me to live my relationships at a distance. I have only had 3 committed relationships, at least in the past 10 years. After those I have had many sexual encounters, but none that has pulled me to become committed. I have broken many hearts for that very reason, yet I didn't care. I never wavered in my beliefs, I never compromised, I always had to have it my way and I did. If the other person didn't waiver, I was out.

I decided that I was going to try exposing myself with someone that entered my life in December 2014. I don't know what it was, but there was this magnetic pull towards her that just had me slowly removing the layers of assery, bad assness and meaness. I became someone I had never been. I allowed myself to become human. It scared me. I wanted to feel what I was feeling, but I was fighting it at the same time.

Rejection. The ugly word began to rear it's ugly head and I panicked. It is true, in a relationship it takes two to make it work, I know that I cannot completely take the blame, but damn I did not try. I ran. I ran like a coward. I sit here wondering what would have happened if i just let it be? I am hoping I will never have to live with that question running through my mind over and over.

I will now try to expose myself to others, whether in prospective lovers or simply friends. Even though it hurts and I feel down, because I do realize I have a lot of blame, I am happy and grateful that I finally was human.

REALationships and Humility

I was given the opportunity, by the Universe, to experience and give unconditional love. Something that I have been wanting to experience. Something that I have never been able to give. I opened up my heart for the first time and I not only let my guard down, but I let go of the control that I always feel I must have.

I set aside preconceived notions, judgements and this shallow list of what I wanted. Although I was scared, I opened myself to the unknown. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable, to feel real, to feel what ultimately I felt: pain.

I sit and wonder why it was short lived? I wonder what I did wrong. I believe that when it comes to relationships it takes two to make it work. It takes two to make it fail. I forgot about the other half. I was so concerned with my mistakes that I overlooked the other half, but then I wonder if that is what unconditional love means. Does it mean that one does not look at the negative of the other person and not focus on what their mistakes were? Possibly.

I learned that I tend to push when things look or feel rough. Instead of trying to work through things, I just break away right away. I tend to not be patient and push to hear what is wrong and try to fix it right away. I tend to allow my fright come off as insecurity. The fear of losing what I have never felt before should have been voiced, but it wasn't and I learned that vulnerability equates to communication.

I learned that I need to forgive and be humble. I have learned to grieve. I have learned to allow myself to feel the pain and walk myself through it. I have finally learned to love.

I have learned that I am now ready to love, unconditionally, and that it is a beautiful thing. I learned that I can and will love someone with no conditions and that they can look like something I have never thought I would physically be attracted to.

I have learned that even though a relationship is fast and short lived, it still hurts and made me a human being for that time period and after.

I will be humble when the time is right. The Universe has a way of bringing people into our life for a reason and it also allows us to have full closure and other experiences with these same people. I will be humble.

Choice, Hardships and the Universe

I haven't been on here in a long time. I am still struggling to finish school and being broke. The following are what I have learned so far:

I am not wanted. I was conceived in a traumatic, non-loving way, you can guess and are probably right as to how. Living under the roof with people that have not emotionally attached to you, nor you to them, is very difficult. Sometimes you walk into the room and the chatting completely becomes silent. Sometimes tension fills the air at other times it is like you are invisible. Although that is how I grew up and one would think I should be used to it, it still hurts. Thus this past year it finally hit me and I am coming to terms that as a person that represents something ugly, one is not wanted. This negativity has crept into my school work. I wasn't able to concentrate and I started to suffer from test anxiety. I would get an exam and only see a blank page. As much as I would blink, move the paper, close my eyes for a couple of minutes, all I would see was a blank paper. My Dr. prescribed medication to take before the exam and it helped, but it would affect me in time management and feeling groggy in the middle of the exam. 

My sister once told me that when one does not want the pregnancy that the child grows up struggling all throughout their life. It made sense to me, because that is what happens to me. I try hard and I will get past the hardships and in the end everything works out, but the difficulty to get there becomes overwhelming at times. Currently, because I chose to attend a private university, I am in limbo, because of financial aid. I couldn't afford the tuition and I am waiting for an acceptance letter from a state university. I have now missed two semesters. I am suffering from anxiety and depression. Sometimes I am fine, at other times, like now, I am down in the dumps. As much as I am aware that in the end everything works out, I struggle emotionally to pick myself up. I am grateful that I have three special people in my life that listen to me, give me advice and remind me that it will all work out.

This brings me to another thing I have learned. The Universe has a way of reminding you and helping you through your struggles by bringing important people, people that you can count on, into your life. These are the same people that will always be there to help in times of need. These are the people that count and should be cherished and appreciated. Sometimes those that are biologically related can give ill informed advice. I have been told to switch majors and quit school altogether, but those that count in my life have stood firm in helping me believe in myself and told me not to quit. That push in this struggle is a tremendous amount of help. I can't emphasize that enough. One of my majors is philosophy and this is a quote from Aristotle:

Excellence is never an accident. It is always the result of high intention, sincere effort and intelligent execution; it represents the wise choice of many alternatives - choice, not chance, determines your destiny.

I have made a choice to continue in this struggle. I have made a choice to wait for the acceptance letter and once I know that I am accepted I will continue my original choice of finishing what I started and that is obtaining my degree. Besides, I have all of my prerequisites and two years under my belt.

Pictures

Yesterday morning was my first day of the week to drive and I also had a quiz. I woke up at 4:30 am read a little of my book and left. I mention it because I beat my dad to his morning ritual of my coffee and something to go with the coffee.

This morning I had my coffee, my jug of juice and a brown paper bag with sliced apples. No, he didn't slice them, they were store bought, but still. This is also the same day that I calculated my grade. A whopping 40%. The slices Hung over my head. I got a B on yesterday's quiz, but at this point...

I've been talking to my professor once a day this week. I have a decision to make drop the class with a W, on the 27th or take the F. The slices of apple. I'm not the only one. So, the professor is giving us an extra test to give us a chance to drop the lowest scored test. I've decided to hang on. I can't seem to let down them slices of apple, although realistically we are talking about getting an A on Monday's exam, the extra exam and the final. The professor also told me if I get an A on the final he will give me an A for the class. The final is 200 points and all multiple choice. I'm taking a chance. I'm bugging my Asian friend from Anatomy and cramming my ass off.

On a different note. The professor doesn't let us keep our exams. It is safe to assume he will be using the same exact questions on the final. This past exam he let us look over, one of the classmates took a picture of each page, blatantly in front of me, literally. I asked him if he was going to share and he said no. That is how competitive it is.

Teeth

I woke up with tiny pieces of teeth in my mouth, I assume it is a sign that I am now grinding my teeth. I don't suppose that it has anything to do with the winter class I have chosen to take and I don't think it has anything to do with my carpool, slash, fellow student, slash, lab partner.

The class that I am taking is general, organic and biochemistry, all in one. The session lasts for 5 weeks and my hours are 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. with 30 mins in between. We have two quizzes per week and an exam per week.We complete a chapter per day, which means our exams are based on 5 chapters. Needless to say, I am on the wrong side of the grading scale.

My carpool/fellow student/lab partner and I decided to take the class together so we can save gas and 'help' each other. After class we stay at the library until it closes which is 7 p.m. I don't get home until 8:30-9. From 9 until about midnight I read my book and then wake up at 5 a.m. to start again. Here is the problem: my fellow student does not open her book. The book that cost $95. She expects to learn from her notes and then by asking everyone and anyone questions that she has and if she doesn't understand the answer she will re ask the question and keep on doing it until she is satisfied. Right now at this moment she is stuck on chapter one while we have just completed chapter 7. To explain the extent of her mental capability I will share my experience with her in lab today.

The experiment consisted of using a fairly huge thermometer, a canister, two different types of chemicals and water. From experience, I have given her the "easy" things to do while I use the raw data, mix chemicals and then make calculations. Today was like every other miserable lab I have had. I told her to just get the thermometer, canister and the rubber stopper that holds the thermometer into the canister. As I was mixing and reading the instructions I hear her to my left bitching and complaining about the thermometer. It went on until I actually needed the canister. It turned out that she put the thermometer on wrong, used the canister lid upside down and decided to force it causing the glass, 12 inch, thermometer to get stuck. The task was too difficult for her. I proceeded to take it from her and in the silent but deadly mode I have, did everything. She would ask her questions and I would not answer. She knew that I was fed up. As the experiment was completed, I proceeded to enter the raw data and make the calculations and enter them into the lab manual. I gave her my manual to copy and she began to question. The problem? She cannot set up a problem to convert it, wait, she cannot make conversions, no wait, she is not capable of doing math. Simple. No math. It seems like she has gone through her academic career copying. BUT, with me she cannot just copy, she wants me to EXPLAIN to her how I set up the problem, how I made the calculation and WHY I wrote the answer as I did. On a daily basis since last week I have been telling her, explaining, drawing,making  flash cards and just plain writing it out in words. On a daily basis I have been at her level and now I am at her grade level. We are both completely and exactly at the same grade. We have failed every miserable quiz and exam.

I am anchored. I feel anchored and stressed and all I can think of is the waste of money, time and especially about my parents. I get home late to find my food on the stove. I wake up early to find coffee, juice and a fruit to take to school. So not only am I letting myself down, but I am letting my parents down. To top all of this? I need to complete the course to be able to take the physiology that I signed up for, for next semester. I need to take physiology, in order to keep the B that I earned in anatomy OR I lose the B and have to start completely over in the fall.My grade point average went down from the six week math course I took and I cannot emphasize how an F will affect it.

I am not getting any money and my financial aid was denied. I am appealing it, but in the meantime I am late on my cell/Internet payment. I need both for school. I use both for school. I cannot explain in words the way I feel.

Today, I told her I couldn't stay after class. I just couldn't. I think if I had to explain to her anything I would have gotten the thick, $95 dollar book and slapped her twice with it. I don't know how to tell her that I would much rather study on my own then having her on my back. That is how I feel, like I am carrying this two hundred pound, married woman that cannot take the time to read her book or even follow the 'notes' she takes in class. I feel anchored because she helps me by reducing my gas and using the carpool lane. I don't know what to do and at this point we are so far behind on points that it will literally take us an A on every quiz and exam coming up to just get a D...yes, and not a solid D!

Oh and she is my FaceBook friend, so I cannot bitch on there.

Before I forget, would you want her to be your nurse? Or would you prefer me to be your Dr's assistant?

So, back to my teeth. No, I don't have dental insurance.

UGH!

I woke up with tiny pieces of teeth in my mouth, I assume it is a sign that I am now grinding my teeth. I don't suppose that has anything to do with the winter class I have chosen to take. I don't think it has anything to do with my carpool, slash, fellow student, slash, lab partner.

The class that I am taking is general, organic and biochemistry, all in one. The session lasts for 5 weeks and my hours are 8 a.m. to 3 p.m. with 30 mins in between. We have two quizzes per week and an exam per week.We complete a chapter per day, which means our exams are based on 5 chapters. Needless to say, I am on the wrong side of the grading scale.

My carpool/fellow student/lab partner and I decided to take the class together so we can save gas and 'help' each other. After class we stay at the library until it closes which is 7 p.m. I don't get home until 8:30-9. From 9 until about midnight I read my book and then wake up at 5 a.m. to start again. Here is the problem: my fellow student does not open her book. The book that cost $95. She expects to learn from her notes and then by asking everyone and anyone questions that she has and if she doesn't understand the answer she will re ask the question. Right now at this moment she is stuck on chapter one while we have just completed chapter 7. To explain the extent of her mental capability I will share my experience with her in lab today.

The experiment consisted of using a fairly huge thermometer, a canister, two different types of chemicals and water. From experience, I have given her the "easy" things to do while I do the raw data, mix chemicals and then do the calculations. Today was like every other miserable lab I have had. I told her to just get the thermometer, canister and the rubber stopper that holds the thermometer into the canister. As I was mixing and reading the instructions I hear her to my left bitching and complaining about the thermometer. It went on until I actually needed the canister. It turned out that she put the thermometer on wrong, used the canister lid upside down and decided to force it causing the glass, 12 inch, thermometer to get stuck. The task was too difficult for her. I proceeded to take it from her and in the silent but deadly mode I have, did everything. She would ask her questions and I would not answer. She knew that I was fed up. As the experiment was completed, I proceeded to enter the raw data and make the calculations and enter them into the lab manual. I gave her my manual to copy and she began to question. The problem? She cannot set up a problem to convert it, wait, she cannot make conversions, no wait, she is not capable of doing math. Simple. No math. It seems like she has gone through her academic career copying. BUT, with me she cannot just copy, she wants me to EXPLAIN to her how I set up the problem, how I made the calculation and WHY I wrote the answer as I did. On a daily basis since last week I have been telling her. On a daily basis I have explained to her how to set up the problems. On a daily basis I have been at her level and now I am at her grade level. We are both completely and exactly at the same grade. We have failed every miserable quiz and exam.

I am anchored. I feel anchored and stressed and all I can think of is the waste of money, time and especially about my parents. I get home late to find my food on the stove. I wake up early to find coffee, juice and a fruit to take to school. So not only am I letting myself down, but I am letting my parents down. To top all of this? I need to complete the course to be able to take the physiology that I signed up for, for next semester. I need to take physiology, in order to keep the B that I earned in anatomy OR I lose the B and have to start completely over in the fall.My grade point average went down from the six week math course I took and I cannot emphasize how an F will affect it.

I am not getting any money and my financial aid was denied. I am appealing it, but in the meantime I am late on my cell/Internet payment. I need both for school. I use both for school. I cannot explain in words the way I feel.

Today, I told her I couldn't stay after class. I just couldn't. I think if I had to explain to her anything I would have gotten the thick, $95 dollar book and slapped her twice with it. I don't know how to tell her that I would much rather study on my own then having her on my back. That is how I feel, like I am carrying this two hundred pound, married woman that cannot take the time to read her book or even follow the 'notes' she takes in class. I feel anchored because she helps me by reducing my gas and using the carpool lane. I don't know what to do and at this point we are so far behind on points that it will literally take us an A on every quiz and exam coming up to just get a D...yes, aand not solid D!

So, back to my teeth. No, I don't have dental insurance.

a new beginning

My parents bought a gold medallion without realizing the meaning. I ended up with it and found that it fit me emotionally and mentally. It is of the phoenix rising. Recently I have embarked on a new beginning. I used to work in production for reality television. My last boss was so horrible that I ended up with a nervous break down. I allowed her to affect me emotionally like no one understood.

I went through a full year of depression. The only one that really understood was my sister. After much contact with her, I decided it was time for me to start school. In spring I will enter my third year of attending a full-time semester at a community college. The ultimate outcome: to be a Physician Assistant.

This decision has entailed many sacrifices from me. I have tried it before, and going to school and working is not for me. Six months ago I had to move in with my parents a pair of  strong Jehovah's Witnesses. This is a complete opposite of who I am, my beliefs and my ideals. I knew it would be a difficult thing to do, but it had to be done. I had no other choice. On three very different occasions my father has asked me the same question: how long is this going to take? This has not caused a motivation, but more of a distracting pressure; an unneeded stress. This last semester was very difficult for me. I embarked on my first science class, a class that is required to be a B grade or higher. Every time before an exam, my father and the requirement of the grade would pop in my head.

My first two semesters have been with no guidance. I just followed the prerequisites required from one school that has the program of my soon to be career. This Monday I went to apply for a program at my current school that would help me with book grants. It was mandatory to see a counselor which wasn't supposed to be formal, it was to make sure I was a full time student and to see if my registered classes were aligned with my major. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason, and this counselor I saw was no exception. She was very firm in letting me know that I have a chance to transfer to USC. When she first told me that I had a look of dumbfound and my jaw was literally on her desk. I told her about the time constraint I felt and she looked me in the eyes and said, "if you want to achieve the best and you have come to this point, just continue the struggle and don't let anyone get in the way." After much thought, this is why I have begun this blog. I am going to keep an open my mind on transferring and instead of settling for an Associate Degree, I am going to strive for that final one, Masters of Physician Assistant, from USC.

This blog will record this new journey.

On a personal note, I met a woman with Aspergers in September. She is very intelligent, but lacks social skills. I dated her and suddenly did not hear from her. I have text her and finally sent her an email, and have decided to let it be. Her issues are worst than mine and the only lesson I am left with is, no more. No more syndromes, no more special people, no more chances. That is all. I added her on here because the last time I spoke to her was on the third week of heading towards finals. I allowed her to enter my head and had problems studying for finals.She had entered my life without me really looking and she has left my life without a reason, explanation or anything that would even be close to "closure". Like I said, things happen for a reason...