“I did not like this feeling of having feelings.” ― Jeff Lindsay, Darkly Dreaming Dexter

One of the most difficult things that I have ever had to do is demonstrating the real me. I hate to feel vulnerable, out of control and feeling rejected. I have had my parents constantly reject me and my sisters do the same. Currently my two loves: my niece and nephew have also joined the band wagon on rejection.

This rejection from the core family has caused me to live my relationships at a distance. I have only had 3 committed relationships, at least in the past 10 years. After those I have had many sexual encounters, but none that has pulled me to become committed. I have broken many hearts for that very reason, yet I didn't care. I never wavered in my beliefs, I never compromised, I always had to have it my way and I did. If the other person didn't waiver, I was out.

I decided that I was going to try exposing myself with someone that entered my life in December 2014. I don't know what it was, but there was this magnetic pull towards her that just had me slowly removing the layers of assery, bad assness and meaness. I became someone I had never been. I allowed myself to become human. It scared me. I wanted to feel what I was feeling, but I was fighting it at the same time.

Rejection. The ugly word began to rear it's ugly head and I panicked. It is true, in a relationship it takes two to make it work, I know that I cannot completely take the blame, but damn I did not try. I ran. I ran like a coward. I sit here wondering what would have happened if i just let it be? I am hoping I will never have to live with that question running through my mind over and over.

I will now try to expose myself to others, whether in prospective lovers or simply friends. Even though it hurts and I feel down, because I do realize I have a lot of blame, I am happy and grateful that I finally was human.